On family

I've been debating breaking up with my (now ex-) boyfriend for a couple of months, and what finally put me over the edge was thinking long and hard about the family that I one day hope to have, and the dating relationship on which I want to build that family.


After searching to know something about us in a meaningful way, here's where I came down on things, which ultimately led me to make a tough choice:


1. There's commitment between us, but no plan. I don't know if my desire to have one is fair or realistic, but I know that I'm no longer comfortable not having one. We started off with a lot of grand talk about the future we were blazing, but we never really started moving toward it, toward a shared life.


2. Due largely to the facts in #1, I started to become a crazy person in the way that only a woman can; I was doubting myself and picking fights and doubting him and being really, really angry. Not only do I really not want to be that person, I don't want to subject him--as someone I care about--to that person. And, honestly, if it kept up, I was surely going to get dumped for being that person.


3. There were a lot of wonderful things about our relationship and a million great things about him, but at the end of the day, I don't think that what bonds us respect for each other and passion for the life we might have together. Most importantly, though, I don't think that we were a team; we're two people who love each other who frequently share meals and time together. We don't challenge each other to meet goals, or try to explore new things together. In short "we" don't really have a story, we have two stories share that events, but nothing is "ours."


4. I don't want the relationship I described in #3 to be my love life and I don't think that it's a solid foundation for a family.


5. I want a family that's the kind I envied as a kid. One where people communicate well more often than not and do crazy things for the sake of the memories. Where the both people in the couple get up in the morning eager to find a new way to make sure the other knows how much they're adored. And one day, when they have kids, it'll be a tough adjustment, but they both will be so well-practiced in loving deeply and sharing it, that there's overflow in the house. And if I can't have that kind of relationship to build family on, I'd rather build a similarly passionate and exciting and motivating set of relationships (in the non-romantic sense) that give me a sense of satisfaction that is hopefully a good second.


6. So, while I started out mad that there wasn't a plan, I'm glad that dwelling on the lack of one gave me a good opening to think about all this other stuff. Because, I ended up at the point where I didn't see one either.



At first I thought that it sounded crazy to say that I care too much about my dream family to stay in a relatively stable relationship with a man I really do care about. But the more I turned the thoughts over in my head, the more I realized that it's because I care about family that I have to break up with him.