Dear "You're too good for her"

Some advice I wish I had the balls to give.

My friend Sam is a pretty bright guy. He's more or less an ideal catch: an intelligent young man, marathoner, and a bit of a looker. Before you start thinking that I'm into him, let me clarify that he's not my type. Maybe if he had a run-in with the law. Or at least a parking ticket. But this guy is as clean as they come. Even in email he uses perfect grammar and punctuation, he's probably never jay-walked in his life, and the knot in his tie is always, always, always perfect.

Sam is also taken. He's got a girlfriend named Sandi. Yup, with an i. She's a sweet enough girl, real pretty. If I didn't have such a sweet rack myself, I might even envy hers. And the fact that I started with "sweet enough" and "pretty" should be hints at what's about to follow: She's dumber than a rock.

To the point, Sam needs to drop this chick like a bad habit. There's no way it's going anywhere, and he's not the type who dates a hot dumb chick for the sexy time. He really is holding out for this girl to prove that she's marriage material. We've talked at length about what it would take for her to reach such a threshold. Cure cancer? Or perhaps champion the act of counting past 100? I'll give you a hint, whatever it is, it's not gonna happen.

For Sam, looking for a maternal figure who is both supportive and independent is key. He wants to be a young dad, that poor guy. This girl is really good at taking care of her pedicure, but I'm not so sure about things which can't just be painted over. I mean, you have to bathe a kid, you can't just change its clothes and call it a day.

Sam, here's my unlicensed advice: cut your losses and drop the broad. I'd totally introduce you to my little sister if I had one. I mean, she'd clearly have great genes and perhaps would lack my penchant for bad boys.

Dear "Befuddled Bride"

Dear Abby: I just learned through a good friend of mine that "someone" sent out a mass e-mail to all my friends complaining that she wasn't invited to my wedding.
Abby, this person is a friend of a friend. I do not have her phone number, e-mail, address, etc., and we haven't seen or spoken to each other in more than two years.
I never enjoyed hanging out with her because she loved to lay guilt trips over every little thing. This is just another classic example. How
should I handle her behavior?
ANONYMOUS IN NEBRASKA

Strangely, Abby came to the conclusion that this “Someone” is stalking our friend Anonymous. Here’s my unlicensed advice:

I’m confused. The writer had no problem ignoring “Someone” during guilt trips, and didn’t seem to think twice about not inviting “Someone” to her wedding. Why is it a big deal now that “Someone” is being predictably immature? Clearly, such behavior deserves a punch in the babymaker.