It seems like everyone I know is getting married and many have been a bit disappointed in the response from their guests. My unlicensed advice is this:
If weddings were more like this one below, everyone would call them "parties" instead of "ceremonies" and we'd all be amped to come get down. Stop bein' all stuffy and get down!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
There is a shoe god!
I had a tough Monday today. That is, until I read this piece run by the New York Times last week about how those evil, aesthetically-challenged jerks at Crocs are going out of business.
I've prayed for the day this company would go out of business. Not because I hate the 2000 employees who lost their jobs with Crocs last year, but because I hate ugly shoes. I've been dying to scream at strangers in the street for years.
I've prayed for the day this company would go out of business. Not because I hate the 2000 employees who lost their jobs with Crocs last year, but because I hate ugly shoes. I've been dying to scream at strangers in the street for years.
- Your feet look ginormous. That's not sexy
- Don't your feet smell? Because, if so, that's not sexy.
- You clean your footwear with a hose. Seriously, there's nothing sexy about that.
I know it's not a substantive or involved list, but here's the punchline in the form of unlicensed advice: it's just not sexy. And I'm glad the market caught up with what I was thinking was best.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I got your Tweet
I'm skeptical of the Internets. Mostly because I think there's good reason to be, but I joined Twitter anyway because people told me that it was cool and, at the end of the day, it's important to try to be cool. But there's some shit that I just don't understand. Trending number one right now is #ihavetoadmit. And people are putting up some pretty odd stuff. I've got some unlicensed advice for a few of them:
Schneider90L writes: #Ihavetoadmit i stumble on watchin gay porn by accident, but immediately searched pussy to bless my eyes again
Suuuuuuuure you "accidentally" do. A simple scan of your page shows a whole lot of mentions of how much you like lady parts. I think that the gentleman doth protest a little too hard...
benbreakstone wirtes: #ihavetoadmit twitter tends to get stupider each day.
"Stupider"? How about "more stupid"? And if it's such an unintelligent place, why are you still reading? Is it because you like to post pithy things that make you feel like you're better than everyone else? It's a jackass move, even if it's true.
dfantasy writes: #ihavetoadmit I don't know who Chuck Norris is
How is this even possible? Google it; you're on Twitter, you should know how to use the Internet to find random, nonsensical facts about one of our generations most notorious and untalented actors.
Jj_1 writes: #ihavetoadmit that i got caught in the airport toilets wit my ex....It was great! Lol
First, I'm not even mad. I know sometimes the urge hits at times when one isn't in close proximity to a more private space. And I've heard plenty of people have a thing for getting down in places where they could get caught. But this your fetish need to extend to talking about it on a public forum? I mean, what if your mom starts following you...
Obviously, I use Twitter. And clearly, I put words online as well. My unsolicited advice is to keep your personal business personal, your angst inside, and your shocking tales of sexual exploit (which I didn't include here because it turned my stomach a little) between you and those with whom you climb into bed. Or bathroom stall.
Schneider90L writes: #Ihavetoadmit i stumble on watchin gay porn by accident, but immediately searched pussy to bless my eyes again
Suuuuuuuure you "accidentally" do. A simple scan of your page shows a whole lot of mentions of how much you like lady parts. I think that the gentleman doth protest a little too hard...
benbreakstone wirtes: #ihavetoadmit twitter tends to get stupider each day.
"Stupider"? How about "more stupid"? And if it's such an unintelligent place, why are you still reading? Is it because you like to post pithy things that make you feel like you're better than everyone else? It's a jackass move, even if it's true.
dfantasy writes: #ihavetoadmit I don't know who Chuck Norris is
How is this even possible? Google it; you're on Twitter, you should know how to use the Internet to find random, nonsensical facts about one of our generations most notorious and untalented actors.
Jj_1 writes: #ihavetoadmit that i got caught in the airport toilets wit my ex....It was great! Lol
First, I'm not even mad. I know sometimes the urge hits at times when one isn't in close proximity to a more private space. And I've heard plenty of people have a thing for getting down in places where they could get caught. But this your fetish need to extend to talking about it on a public forum? I mean, what if your mom starts following you...
Obviously, I use Twitter. And clearly, I put words online as well. My unsolicited advice is to keep your personal business personal, your angst inside, and your shocking tales of sexual exploit (which I didn't include here because it turned my stomach a little) between you and those with whom you climb into bed. Or bathroom stall.
Somwhere in the middle
I've never done this before. And I'm not saying that in the coy way where a chick plays innocent in hopes of tricking a guy into thinking that she's not exactly the kind of girl that she is. I mean I haven't counter-posted like this before.
I'm not into "reading" all that much, so I stick to blogs. And today, I saw this, a fairly charitable look at what girls go through in realizing that they're just not that into the nice guy that they've been led to believe they should adore. I'm going to go ahead and agree that there's a confusing dance we female types go through trying to figure out a balance between what's good for us and what gives us butterflies, but I also think we know damn well what we're doing to nice guys the entire time, so there's no need for sympathy. My bigger point, though, is that we're not really on the hunt for bad boys, no matter how many times you hear a woman say that's what she wants.
I'll put it out there: I don't like "nice guys." I never have and I've never felt bad about it. I do like my man to be a bit of a gentleman, but sometimes a girl needs to be put in her place. Deep down, we're all just a big mess of crazy, and a nice guy is happy to be the doormat to any ridiculous whim or outburst. And, unfortunately for nice guys, there's something way too sexy about a man who'll take control of that situation and lay down the law (yeah, that's a double entendre). But, that doesn't mean that, in moments of low self-esteem (read, immediately after a break up), I haven't called up my go-to nice guy to help get my mood turned around.
And not in the sexual way you're thinking. I mean that. I can always call that guy, tell him what happened, and then count on him to tell me how wonderful I am, how the jerk du jour is missing out, and how beautiful I am, even when I'm sad. It's a guarantee. So, once Mr. Nice Guy has me picked up and put back together, I go on the hunt for one who keeps it a little more interesting and a lot less predictable.
However, this is not to say that I want a guy who plays at being an asshole. No, sir. That's a sure fire way to rope in a girl who likes a man with a little more chutzpah, to whom the nice-guy-in-disguise will eventually reveal himself as the opposite of a jerk, and then I'll make him cry. Happens every time. What I mean is, I want a guy who's rough around the edges but willing to chase me a bit, who might cuss in front of my mother and even at her if it's needed, who isn't afraid to sweep me off my feet or put me in my place, and who loves the food I cook.
At the end of the day, a lot of girls probably want to be the one who turns a bad boy good, but we all know that doesn't really happen. What most girls get is a handful of devoted nice guys whose hearts they break, and a handful of bad boys who break theirs, and then one who falls in the middle range somewhere that can keep things interesting without making her wonder if he really cares.
I'm not into "reading" all that much, so I stick to blogs. And today, I saw this, a fairly charitable look at what girls go through in realizing that they're just not that into the nice guy that they've been led to believe they should adore. I'm going to go ahead and agree that there's a confusing dance we female types go through trying to figure out a balance between what's good for us and what gives us butterflies, but I also think we know damn well what we're doing to nice guys the entire time, so there's no need for sympathy. My bigger point, though, is that we're not really on the hunt for bad boys, no matter how many times you hear a woman say that's what she wants.
I'll put it out there: I don't like "nice guys." I never have and I've never felt bad about it. I do like my man to be a bit of a gentleman, but sometimes a girl needs to be put in her place. Deep down, we're all just a big mess of crazy, and a nice guy is happy to be the doormat to any ridiculous whim or outburst. And, unfortunately for nice guys, there's something way too sexy about a man who'll take control of that situation and lay down the law (yeah, that's a double entendre). But, that doesn't mean that, in moments of low self-esteem (read, immediately after a break up), I haven't called up my go-to nice guy to help get my mood turned around.
And not in the sexual way you're thinking. I mean that. I can always call that guy, tell him what happened, and then count on him to tell me how wonderful I am, how the jerk du jour is missing out, and how beautiful I am, even when I'm sad. It's a guarantee. So, once Mr. Nice Guy has me picked up and put back together, I go on the hunt for one who keeps it a little more interesting and a lot less predictable.
However, this is not to say that I want a guy who plays at being an asshole. No, sir. That's a sure fire way to rope in a girl who likes a man with a little more chutzpah, to whom the nice-guy-in-disguise will eventually reveal himself as the opposite of a jerk, and then I'll make him cry. Happens every time. What I mean is, I want a guy who's rough around the edges but willing to chase me a bit, who might cuss in front of my mother and even at her if it's needed, who isn't afraid to sweep me off my feet or put me in my place, and who loves the food I cook.
At the end of the day, a lot of girls probably want to be the one who turns a bad boy good, but we all know that doesn't really happen. What most girls get is a handful of devoted nice guys whose hearts they break, and a handful of bad boys who break theirs, and then one who falls in the middle range somewhere that can keep things interesting without making her wonder if he really cares.
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