Facebook gets too real

Just think about how awkward that would be...


Please, stop friending strangers.

Dear "Confused" (by raunchy emails)

Dear Amy,

I have a friend of more than 20 years who sends me probably 20-25 e-mails a week with jokes, videos, etc.

Most of the time I don't mind, even though some of them are off-color. If I'm busy, I just delete them without looking at them.

However, last week I received two messages that made me very angry. To be specific, both featured several close-ups of female private parts with nothing left to the imagination.

I sent her an e-mail asking her not to send me this type of thing because they crossed the line between amusing and obscene.

I also wrote that I noticed that she had sent some of these messages to the recipients' work e-mail addresses and I didn't think this was a good idea.

She responded that she thought it was amusing that I sometimes watch "The Girls Next Door" yet I objected to her e-mails. Believe me, this TV show doesn't even come close to what her e-mails contained.

She also wrote that she didn't need me to tell her what was or wasn't a good idea.

I don't want to lose this person as a friend, but I find it bizarre that a woman in her 60s passes on this type of thing to both male and female friends.

She has been a loyal and good friend over the years.

I would appreciate your advice.

—Confused

Amy responded with a nice message about how friends don't send friends unsolicited porn during business hours. Kind of her. Here's my unlicensed advice:

Do you really know someone in her 60s who sends porn to people's work email? And do you really think that you need to defend Girls Next Door? Everyone knows that show is not on par with your nutty friend's naughty habit. You know what you should do? Hook her up with a somewhat sketchy guy who will push her too far. Then, when she whines about it, tell her that the inappropriateness is sort of like that one time when she insisted that she should be able to send around porn without judgement.

Get off, Bret

Dear Bret,

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of your show. Actually, as we speak, I'm watching the reunion episode of Rock of Love Bus Tour which is delightfully trashy. And apparently "real." All of the ladies keep mentioning how real they are—particularly ironic in a crowd of breast-implanted, bleached-blond, stripper-heeled broads. Of the "real" variety.

Anyhow, something's been bothering me. In the opening song, you say that you want to "get [me] off like there's no one else." I've going to venture to say that, were there to literally be no one else, getting me off would be a bit unremarkable.

Getting me off better than anyone else, on the other hand, would be pretty cool. Maybe you should re-think those lyrics.

I have to go, the ad for Daisy of Love just inspired me to write another rant.

Keep it classy, Bret.

xoxo
Miss K

P.S. You seem to be looking like Jack Sparrow. I'm worried.

To worry or not to worry?

I got a hair cut this weekend and no one said anything at work today. Does that mean that no one legitimately noticed? Or is it more likely that my hair looks significantly worse than I presumed and people are just avoiding the awkward discussion?

Chin up, Mindy

Dear Mindy,

Let me tell you, I was angry when Bret chose Taya over you. For what it's worth, all of the Interwebz shared my disgust.

I had this whole post composed in my head giving her advice on getting over him. It included things like, "I'm sure there are long-haired, eye-liner wearing, middle-aged men oogling your naked body every day thanks to Penthouse." But then, Bret Michaels did the inexplicable and picked a vapid, angry stripper over you. So here's what I have to say to you in the form of unlicensed advice.

As a fellow Midwestern girl, I can tell you that nothing good comes when we push ourselves beyond our geographical roots. Egos abound on the coasts, and men with big heads look for a totally different kind of thing in a chick; they want the girl that will be most envied, because that's what feeds the arrogance. Turns out, when all of a guy's buddies have seen a chick naked, they get exceedingly jealous of the fact that you're nailing her. They've been fantasising and doing unmentionable things when admiring her uncovered naughty bits for a long time, and would love to get up in the things they've seen spread eagle on the glossy pages of men's magazines. Google it, you could do the same.

Just sayin'.

Keep on being down to earth and sensible, Mindy. You should freak out when a grown man with inexplicably gross braids asks you to put on a Mardi Gras costume for no good reason. That's not a "funk," it's just good sense. About to go on national TV singing and you know you're not a good singer? Good Lord, you better be a bit anxious. Overall, keep on calling a spade a spade and steer clear of rockers and Penthouse pets.

In short, just stuff your face with buckeyes and keep it a little more local with the dating.

P.S. Can't wait for the reunion!

Did you miss knowing?

Not sure what jeux de mots I was going for with that title, but odds are good it's not working.

I wish I could tell you that I've been gone forever because I'm all busy and important. Buuuuuut the truth is that I just got lazy. Writing's hard sometimes and I don't always have it in me. Times are changing, though, and I'm ready to put pen to paper fingers to keys and give voice to the witty demons in my head.

You're probably all, "But K, what have you been doing all this time?" Funny you should ask. I've been going on a lot of bad dates, becoming somewhat obsessed with 24 several years after it was the thing to do, and buying a lot of dresses that toe the line as work-appropriate attire. The middle one was quite time-consuming through the fall because I had a few seasons to catch up on in time for this past January's premiere. If you've seen how bad Jack's tweaking out in the last few episodes, you really understand that this dedication represents virtue rather than vice.