I can't stand "Dear Abby"

I mean this one.

My favorite part of her column is the god-awful photo that peers out at me from the left of the screen. She's...stunning.

Beyond that, she gives advice with absoltuely no personality. You're worried your girlfriend is still into that chick she hooked up with in college? Just ask her if she has feelings and trust her. Aaaand that's it. With a headline like "Bisexual Past Overshadows Couple's Close Relationship," I was really expecting a couple of good, racey jokes.

I'm pretty scared to some day be that writer—if I can even call myself by that word.

You're annoying, LOL

The whole point behind blogging is to blow little things out of proportion in entertaining ways, right? If this is indeed the case—and I think that it is—then there’s significant room out there for me to talk about my myriad pet peeves. There’ll be a new category called, “annoying stuff.” And to get this started…

…Please don’t “LOL” unless you mean it. I know that I have occasional moments of comic genius, but I’m not that funny; we both know you’re not laughing out loud at everything I type or text.

Even more confusing to me is the use of multiple LOLs in sentences such as, “I can’t believe you did that LOL LOL. Man. LOL.” What does that even mean?!

“Why Miss Know,” you’re probably saying, “what should one do when something is truly funny?” How about remarks like, "That’s really fuckin’ hilarious!" Or perhaps, "Holy balls, that’s funny!"

I love Lindsay Lohan

I know she's a hot mess. She's even beyond that, actually. And I love it. If she had kids, I'd find it much more tragic. And, if she were doing well, I wouldn't wish for her to fall into the kind of life she lives now. But if she's just going to run around doing what has to be the stupidest thing posssible daily, and then topping it the very next day, I'm definitely going to enjoy watching.

As you can guess, this means that I've had an absolute ball over the last few days. First, she made an insincere and ocassionally indescernable plea (that's a video!) to the court and got a crazy awesome jail sentence anyway. We find out later she had "fuck u" written on her nails, then she was maybe going to be charged with contempt for it. Next, she missed her own birthday party, went batshit on Twitter, put up with press-hungry, but somewhat witty, remarks from her father, and then—when it seemed like there was no where else for this story to go—her lawyer resigned last night.

I made some mistakes yesterday, too. What, you ask? I sent out a document for review that I forgot to spell check.

I'll give ya 3 steps

I picked up a handy little link today from RelationshipAid on Twitter titled "How to Diffuse an Argument in Three Easy Steps." The steps were simple 1) give pause to articulating your opinion; 2) convince your partner you want to understand his perspective 3) "look for the kernel of truth" in it.

Honestly, it sounds like good advice, but who actually follows good advice? Not this girl. I will, though, share with you a few of my tested tactics that have no paid off:

Yelling louder and louder. You'd think that this would eventually shut the other person up. In fact, it has the effect of making him more angry. You heard it here.

Kicking him in the shin. I haven't tried this one since second grad recess, but I'm pretty sure it's equally ineffective off the playground.

Storming out. There might be good occasions to try this one, but I tend to do it in a way that reads more "she's crazy" than "she's right." Be careful.

For a really good time, try all three together!

Wait...he WHAT?!

I was shocked to read one of yesterday's posts over at "Savage Love" (yes, you read that right, it's an intriguingly named advice column). I feel like I was mislead. You see, it was titled "Sex at Dawn"—don't click that link yet—and so I thought I was going to read complaints about a voracious morning sex appetite. What I actually read about was a woman whose man recently requested her to sleep with another man, unprotected—you know what, I can't go on. Just read it; here's the link again.

The truly shocking part was the response. It highlighted how her hubby was engaging in pretty normal, albeit animalistic, behavior when he enjoyed making love to her while she was still covered in/filled with another man's scent/love juice.

The wife's concern was that this might mean her husband was gay. My concern is that he made her have sex with another man, watched it, and then railed her afterward. Call me prude (or perhaps the author would say I'm in denial of my evolutionary roots), but I try to keep my number of sexual partners in any one-hour period limited to one.

To each their own?

So what was that "sex at dawn" madness about, you ask? It's the title of a book on sexuality that apparently sums up how normal the husband's behavior is.