Poor choice on both counts. And I mean that insofar as the both have been making me sob.
In the conversations since we broke up, I've learned just how wrong I was about how devoted he was to me and how much he wanted to give me. I'd connected a set of events to tell myself a story that he didn't care in the way that I needed him to. And I couldn't have been more wrong; as we talked he reminded me of the good things, the times when my heart raced and I was so happy tears were in my eyes. I know now that the piece that was missing--the one that would get me to that place more often--was me telling him what I need in order to give him a chance to give it to me.
I'd created a debate about committing to me in the long term, when what I really wanted was for him to love me in the moment in a way that I knew it. I'd been longing for the times in our courtship when I knew every minute of every day that he was mine and that he wanted me to be his, and I felt that I couldn't settle for not having that. And now, as he fights through his hurt to try to figure out what comes next, I want so badly for him to remember how he felt then as well.
So take these lyrics from the first song on 21:
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
In hope that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When will I see you again?
The song is about begging for forgiveness for cheating, which couldn't be further from what happened to us, but that feeling of willing someone to remember what you can do for each other and how recently you were able to do it is still there.
Ultimately, I don't know if we can work. But I do know that we are two people desperate to love each other and care for each other. And I believe he now knows how hard I've been fighting all this time, which I hope helps him understand how I've much I'm willing to put into this and how hard I can fight for it.
I'll be really clear: What I want more than anything is for him to take a bet on me, that I can get better at telling him what I need, and that I believe in him and his ability to give that to me the way that I did months ago, before I let the fear shade my ability to see all that he does for me. I don't want to talk about marriage anymore, I want to talk about today.
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